The Hutt in the Hat: Chapters I to III
by Daniel Ford
Summary: My transformation of Star Wars IV: A New Hope into the rhyming style of Cat in the Hat by Dr. Suess. This is the first chapter of eight that I've written so far - please feel free to offer any criticism! Note: best read aloud.
1. Chapter 1

Two suns hang in space

And a third, not as hot,

This sphere is glowing,

But a sun it is not.

The surface is blinding,

With brilliant sheen,

But a sun it is not.

This is Tatooine.

But surely nothing lives

On this desert of sorts.

A planet designed for t-shirts and shorts!

But it circles the suns from a distance,

Just right!

And humans abide here,

Over sunscreen they fight.

And lo! A space ship!

A wonder of science!

It looks like an oversized kitchen appliance.

It plummets from the sky

With lasers abound,

Ship parts flying off

As it falls to the ground!

It's chased by a cruiser,

Imperial, of course,

A monstrous metal

Sci-fi tour de force!

Within the space ship

Are two robots – but who?

Why, it's C3PO and R2D2!

A huge explosion knocks the ship,

And it rumbles.

C3PO topples to the floor,

And he grumbles.

But R2 is short,

And does not fall down,

He beeps at C3,

Who offers a frown.

The ship's engines fall quiet,

But why could this be?

Noises outside scare R2 and C3.

Empire troops outside,

Rebel troops camp within,

Lying calmly in wait

For the fight to begin.

With a BOOM and a CRACK,

A hole opens above!

And lasers start flying

As push comes to shove!

Light beams fill the hall,

With the droids in the middle,

They flee from the fighting!

As fleet as a fiddle

C3PO flees!

C3PO tries

To escape from the chaos

But he trips and he flies!

Into crack'ling wires

His clumsy form goes;

Legs start to twitch and eyes start to glow!

He begins to panic:

"R2D2, please help! My hips are melting!"

And he lets out a yelp.

R2 rolls on over

And offers a hand,

But he has no hands

Which ruins his plan.

So he offers to help

And help he does,

Cutting the wires with electrical buzz.

But C3 isn't pleased,

"This is all your fault! You led us right into this dreadful assault!"

A blast shakes the floor,

And as the smoke clears,

A hazy yet nightmarish figure appears.

Oh no! Could it be?

The legend?

The myth?

Those flowing black robes…

A Dark Lord of the Sith!

His face ever masked,

He strides to his prey,

The Imperial hard-men swiftly draw away.

Dark thoughts sear his mind,

Of lives he plans to take,

As he turns a corner

Leaving none in his wake.

C3PO stirs

And rises from the heap.

But no sound of R2,

No squeaks or random beeps.

Through the smoke, C3 sees,

A woman dressed in white,

R2 stands in front of her,

Acting quite polite.

C3 cannot comprehend,

What is going on.

Then he approaches,

But the woman is gone!

"Never mind" C3 thinks,

But worries of other stuff,

All this awful fighting -

He's really had enough!

R2 rolls onwards,

C3PO in tow,

Where they are going only R2 seems to know.

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, prisoners sit,<p>

Scattered on the floor,

Officers stand aside,

Darth Vader in the door.

He looks upon a man

Who quickly starts to quiver.

Hands close about his neck,

This rebel must deliver!

Vader looks upon his face,

The rebel holds his ground,

Grasping weakly at his neck

Eyes bulge, and dart around.

"Where is the data?"

Darth Vader calmly asks,

But the rebel splutters,

And coughs and grasps.

His grip tightens further

And bones begin to crack,

He throws him into a wall.

He hits it with a SMACK!

Vader spins towards his troops:

"Find the data! Now!

You'd better search swiftly

Or I'll fetch Chairman Mao"

* * *

><p>R2 enters the pod,<p>

C3 looks in surprise

"Robots aren't allowed to! It's for humans!"

He cries.

R2 pushes a switch,

Beckons him inside,

He presses a button,

And the pod flies outside.

In the Imperial ship,

The Captain stands, reserved.

A pod bursts outwards,

In the window he observes.

"Shall I open fire, Sir?"

A lieutenant enquires.

The Captain grins widely,

He looks like Mike Myers.

"Don't fire on the pod; no life signs are showing"

He could not care less

Where that stray pod is going.

* * *

><p>A storm trooper surveys<p>

The passageway bend,

A dark figure is hidden,

He calls to his friends:

"I've found her! I've found her!

I've found the Princess!"

He falls dead with a THUMP,

His head in a mess.

His friends finally come,

One meets the same fate.

But the Princess slumps down in a paralysed state...

The Officer observes:

"It's fine, she's all right. Report to Lord Vader!"

And the troopers take flight.

* * *

><p>C3 stares outwards<p>

Looking on Tatooine,

The surface is blinding,

With brilliant sheen.

But then he panics,

Wildly wringing his hands,

As R2D2 crashes into the sands…


	2. Chapter 2

Luke's bent over forwards,

Buffing his suedes,

He's looking quite trendy

In a waistcoat and shades.

Vaporator's dead,

Technology fails.

Luke strikes it with a fist,

It hurts so

He wails!

He abandons his task

And boards his land speeder,

His stepmother calls him but he doesn't heed her.

He punches the engine,

Sand flies from behind,

Aims for Anchorhead,

A hub of mankind.

* * *

><p>Sand burns in the sun-glare of Tatoo I and II.<p>

They glare down on the people,

Of whom there are few.

Aside from a woman,

Squinting into the light.

Then Luke nearly hits her!

She's up for a fight!

"You young whippersnapper, you should learn how to drive!"

But Luke carries onwards in a bid to survive.

He arrives at a station,

And bursts through the door,

Shouts "Hey guys!" loudly and sprints over the floor.

A raunchy young couple,

Both sat on one stool.

She's not wearing much and Luke starts to drool.

Deak and Windy they're called,

Irritated they are,

They look at Luke, displeased, for being bizarre.

The man asks aside:

"Did I hear a small fly?"

The young woman replies:

"Luke is here, don't know why"

Then Luke sees a figure,

Clipped hair and uniform,

His appearance is perfect,

His smile is warm.

"Biggs!" Luke cries.

"Luke!" Biggs calls.

They link arms together and skip down the hall.

"You're back so early"

Says Luke in worried tone,

"Did you not get the job? Have they left you alone?"

"Yes! I got the job! On board Rand Ecliptic,

I'm First Mate Biggs, commanding the joy-stick"

Luke is enraptured,

His head in a spin,

This man had completed what he'd failed to begin!

"Can you come outside, Biggs? I've something to show you.

There's a fight in our system, up there in the deep blue!"

They all shuffle outside,

Binoculars in hand.

They search but see only

Hot sun and white sand.

"There'll never be fights here"

Biggs says with a shrug.

Luke starts to cry so Biggs gives him a hug.

* * *

><p>The Princess is bound<p>

With links round the wrists,

Her guard asks her to move,

But still she resists.

With a push and a shove,

And a fist in the back,

The Princess keeps moving.

She'll learn not to slack.

Then they stop and look up to the mask of Lord Vader,

But resolve has not left the noble crusader.

She looks into those eyes,

With a look so bold,

But Vader cares not.

With a voice so cold

Says:

"Why, Princess Leia, do you waste my time?

Do you feel no fear in light of your crime?"

"We are diplomats!"

The Princess claims,

"The Senate won't stand for your silly games!"

"Quiet!" Lord Vader loudly commands,

"You'd better submit to my fiendish demands!

Your ship received signals in many a system!

We found the senders but damn it! We missed 'em!

They killed themselves swiftly, 'twas very poor taste,

We wanted that data, that's why you were chased!"

Princess Leia retorts:

"We're innocent, ok?"

"You're a traitor!" says Vader,

"Now take her away!"

As she is taken

She spits on his face.

He wipes it off slowly, looking down in disgrace.

A Commander approaches,

"The tapes aren't on board!

We've searched and we've searched!

I'm sorry, my Lord!

There was a pod though,

Fired out of the ship,

But it had no life signs so we just let it slip."

Vader is angry

And shouts out with flair:

"Those tapes have no life signs! They could have been there!

I want that pod now, or to have the tapes found!

They might not have been lost when they hit the ground!"

* * *

><p>"What an awful place!"<p>

C3PO groans,

"All I can see is hot sand and bleached bones!"

R2 rolls away,

To an out-jut of rock,

To get out of the sand before his joints lock.

"R2, get back here! This route looks quite easy!"

But R2 rolls on.

C3 feels uneasy.

* * *

><p>A few hours later,<p>

C3 is alone,

Wandering through desert,

Into the unknown.

He starts to consider if R2 was right,

But he'd never admit that,

Whatever his plight.

Just as he starts to crave assistance,

He spots a vehicle,

Closing the distance.

"Thank goodness!" he thinks,

And gets out his bank card,

"I'm getting quite sweaty, they might sell Right Guard!"

* * *

><p>Luke and Biggs are<p>

Discussing the rebels,

Biggs wants to apply,

And say all his farewells.

But Luke's staying home:

"It don't look like I'm goin'

I'm staying back here to help Uncle Owen"

"Why's that?" questions Biggs,

Luke lowers his head.

"Sand People are cheeky and invade our farmstead.

I'd apply, but I'm stopped by my Uncle and Aunt

I would if I could but I won't 'cause I can't"

* * *

><p>R2 is trundling<p>

Through the mesa alone,

He's listening to S-Club

Too loud for headphones.

Not much can be heard over Jo's dulcet tones,

But he catches the sound of a few falling stones.

He stops and he waits…

The Sand People appear!

CRASH!

SNAP!

CRACKLE!

POP!

They let out a cheer!

They pick up the robot,

Take him for a ride,

To a large vacuum tube,

Which sucks him inside!

The machine is massive,

Tall as a tall tree.

R2 falls straight though,

And onto C3!

"You got sand in my mouth!"

He lets out a cough.

R2 doesn't care,

And simply turns off.


	3. Chapter 3

Here's a Senator

He looks a tad craggy,

His name sounds Italian,

It's General Tagge.

His suit is neat,

But he's slimy and slim.

Other Senators

Respect or fear him. 

"Vader's motives are hardly credible,

Whilst he's in power we're still vulnerable.

He seems to relish complete lack of finesse,

It's clearly the Emperor he's trying to impress"

An older man speaks:

"I can sense your frustration,

But nothing can threaten our new battle station" 

But Tagge just shrugs,

And puts on a sweater:

"Rebel ships are swell and their pilots are better!

It's a stupid idea by Governer Tarkin,

And it's hard to locate any suitable parkin'" 

Then enters two men,

One in black one in grey,

Tarkin and Vader

Have come out to play.

"The Senate's abolished"

The Grand Moff declares,

Tagge and the others,

Jump out of their chairs. 

"But what of the rebels?"

Tagge shouts in a panic,

"They're growing in numbers and many are manic!"

"The station is safe"

Tarkin quickly responds,

"Vader has the data and the Princess in bonds"

"We'll find the data"

Vader says with a growl. 

Tagge is sweating and looks for a towel.

"You should take off that sweater"

Moff Tarkin explains,

"You'll get heat exhaustion which'll lead to joint pains"

"I'll never, just never, remove this sweater!

I'm sure that it's better to wear it forever!"

Tagge's eyes start to bulge,

He lifts into the air.

"I hate you"

Says Vader,

"And I hate what you wear" 

"Stop it!"

Shouts Tarkin,

"Put him down for God's sake!

You'd better stop now or you'll cause him headache!"

"I'm sorry," Vader says,

"I just find his lack

Of faith disturbing,

Can we get back on track?

We must find the data, I'm sure you'll agree.

Of course I'll find them, if the Empire wills me" 

* * *

><p>The journey is bumpy,<p>

"Will this trip never end?"

C3 isn't happy,

And looks to his friend,

"R2, stop sleeping!"

He declares with a shout.

Their chance of surviving he's beginning to doubt. 

Then they come to a halt,

And silence falls down,

Other metal captives,

Are buzzing around.

A far panel opens

Light rushes within,

The Jawas come inside,

And work they begin.

They prod all the robots,

And some do not stir.

They ignore the stray cat,

Which lets out a purr. 

* * *

><p>Outside the machine,<p>

Consumers await,

The two robots can't imagine their fate. 

An old man walks over,

And shows some int'rest,

His face is well-worn,

You can tell he is stressed.

He barters with Jawas,

On a price they agree,

But he still wants a three year warrantee.

"Your customer service is down in the pits!"

He argues some more

But at last he submits. 

* * *

><p>The man and his son<p>

Takes them back to their home,

Spires and small domes,

White sand and bright chrome. 

Down in the basement,

Luke leads the two droids

Out of the sun

C3 wants to avoid.

Luke rages inside,

Imprisoned down here!

Why can't he begin his rebel career?

"This just isn't fair! I just want to fight!"

And he launches a spanner

With all of his might! 

Luke calms himself swiftly,

And gets down to work.

He spots something wrong,

And says with smirk:

"R2 has been damaged

Have you seen some action?

He starts to fix R2,

"You part of a faction?"

"We've come from the rebels"

C3 then exclaims,

"We crashed our pod, R2 is to blame" 

"Then I did see a fight!"

Luke cries with glee,

"So you're telling me you're a war-refugee?"

"Yes I am", he replies,

"But a bystander,

I'm sorry my story can't be a tad grander" 

Luke looks down to his chest,

Disappointed,

Depressed.

Of C3PO's story he is not impressed.

Then he spots an object,

In R2 it's stuck,

But as he removes it

He stops,

Awestruck. 

A figure emerges,

From a holograph played,

A beautiful figure Luke rated "A" grade.

She speaks, quite clearly:

"Help me, please, Obi-wan"

She starts to loop and then she is gone.

"Who is that?", asks Luke,

"Could she mean Old Man Ben?

I haven't seen him since, well, way way back when.

He lives out quite far,

Out in the sand-blizzards.

Uncle and friends think that he is a wizard!" 

The woman comes back,

Luke stops talking and stares,

Her beautiful eyes,

Her shimmering hair.

And on the sixth loop

Luke starts to drool,

Forming a disturbing, salivary pool.

Then he stops with a jump,

"Please give me some pity,

I can't stop staring when I see something pretty!" 

C3PO beckons:

"That restraining bolt there,

It's blocking the signal from R2's hardware"

So Luke prises it free

With a

SNAP!

CRACKLE!

POP!

R2 starts whining and won't seem to stop. 

Then R2 shuts down,

And falls to the ground,

Luke is astonished,

Not making a sound.

"Luke! Come to dinner!"

He sighs in despair,

"I'm dreading consuming what she has prepared"


End file.
